Doe Deer // DeathRay

67087 ♥

I Can’t Do This Anymore

I can’t do this anymore.
I have lost it, and I am drained of pretty words.
Of the flowery language
that sprung from the depths
of the soles
of your shoes,
Tracing the lines
of each step you took when
You used to follow me
all around
Making meadows in the puddles we
stepped through.
Now I tug on the ends of my sweater
twisting my own stomach with your knife.
And you loved me, but it is impossible
to truly remember what it was like.
Because
unlike pain
lingering
burning,
seering,
scathing,
sinking.
You float through my memories
like a hazy cloud.

The arms I want to cling to

seem to vanish when I move too close

always just

out of reach.

And it comes in waves.
A movie montage;
an orchestral symphony;
dim flickering lights;
watching myself
watching you.
There,
did you see
you whisper you love me
for the first time
I probably blush.
I ask,
What?
Because I didn’t believe
that such a beautiful thing
had happened to me.
I think I was a bad dream
I might have been someone’s potential
I am the reincarnation
of somebody’s precious baby girl.
I have come and gone.
I died before I could take their first breath.
And I am aching, now.
I am envious,
of the droplets of water
collecting
in your
collarbones
that run down your shoulders
like little fingertips.
Sometimes reflecting
off the
sunlight
in your small room.
Spilling
and kissing down your skin.
Leaving pieces behind
still making puddles
on shiny tile floors.
And
I want to tell you
Be
Careful
Don’t
Slip.
But I,
I am the dust on your shelf.
I am the hole
in my own chest.
And the girl in your bed
with her hands to the celling
calls your name
very tenderly.
And I want to stomp my feet and say it is all
wrong
wrong
wrong
But I am very silent.
Your smile is so very sweet and sad.
and I can’t do this anymore.